perrier with lemon slice (in singapore for now version)

one of those emo days.

2012-02-01T07:48:00.000-08:00

if anything, I want to remember 2012 as the year I took risks, caused changes and conquered my innermost fears and anxieties.

sometimes, we really don't know what is going on with our lives. we pretend to know what we are doing but i think at the end of the day, we don't.

you try to do 10,001 things to prove your existence so that you are just not another person in this place.

I think i just need to be surrounded by the best people.

I think i just need to not make decisions out of "what if", I just do it.

I think i just need to be where You want me to be.

i think that should suffice but that is what i think. i want to know what You think.

even if i were to disappear from the surface of this earth (this year), i would have lived.

2012

2012-01-02T06:39:00.000-08:00

today is the kind of day where you would like to spend time alone and not having to fulfill any social expectation.

here comes 2012.

i spent the last few days thinking about 2011.

besides the incidents leading up to 2012, i can't remember much of 2011.

i think i was pretty swarmed by work.

other than that, nope. i can't seem to remember much.

after awhile, one year to another, it is really a blur.

in any case, here's to 2012.

a year older, let me be a year wiser.

resolutions for 2012:

1) be wiser

2) slow down my pace

3) stop multi-tasking. one thing at a time

4) travel somewhere alone

5) read the books on my bookshelf

6) go diving

7) hopefully grad sch

ok, time for glee. :)

expiry date

2011-12-18T07:49:00.000-08:00

暗恋一个人有有效日期吗?

我想会是告白的时候.

所以我想就这样.

静静地,

默默地,

不让你知道.

无限期.

乖与不乖

2011-11-30T00:33:00.000-08:00

"不乖.

不做医生, 做作家.

乖吗?

不做工, 去读书.

乖吗?

沒有钱, 还去旅行.

乖吗？"

乖与不乖只是一线之差.

最终，我想做什么都好，但要对得起自己.

the flight back

2011-11-13T06:09:00.000-08:00

the flight back is always tough for me.

it always means going back to reality, to work and to life.

traveling always (press) pause whatever that is going on at home and you escape for awhile. perhaps why i would love to live somewhere for awhile (and duration is subjective) so that the escapism could last; knowing that i could live somewhere, some place for a period of time, meeting new people, create new memories, gain new experiences and leaving whatever that had happened behind;

for the escapism to become real and you realise you're not escaping anymore and that, becomes your reality.

the one about sitting alone in a cafe.

2011-10-30T07:03:00.000-07:00

i always thought it should go something like this.

you step into the cafe alone, find a spot that makes you feel secure, get a drink (whatever fancies you), get comfortable in your seat and read your book. time should pass. maybe slow maybe fast but you just sit there, immerse yourself in the literary world as people come and go.

i know of friends who would do that - sit by a cafe and read a book or something and i would be like, "yah, it's lovely to do that" (something along that line).

but truth be told, i have never really sit in a cafe to read, on purpose by myself.

i think i always wanted to do that but it never happen...until today.

i stepped into the cafe. it was rather pack cause it was slightly after lunch time and there were people with people. me alone against the staff of the cafe plus everyone else, i was scared. i walked around the cafe to find a good spot for one...

and there, it was. a seat for one. like seriously, just a table and a chair tucked nicely next to the wall.

i walked over and tried to squeeze my way through the packed cafe (the cafe is not that big to begin with) and i forgot that i was carrying a hugeeee bag because before i could reach to the seat, i knocked down a glass cup of a table, and water spilled on this tai tai's bag.

"oh crap, what a start".

the already anxious me didn't really know how to react. i just apologize to the lady profusely because she looked rather grim that water landed on her precious bag. the staff came to clear the mess and then asked me if my legs were cut by the shattered glass or anything.

when all was clear, i settled down on my seat, took what i need and got a drink.

there. i got what i needed. i just have to read.... seriously, was i gonna do this? isn't it weird to read alone in the cafe?

so there i was, alone sitting there reading whatever i brought. in between the time that i took sips from my drinks, the chatters of the people around me and the cling clang of the baristas working behind the counter became the music to my ears. i watched people walking in and out of the cafe. i looked at the table in front of me, two ladies. then one lady sat alone, then two ladies, then two guys. the tables and chairs are always there but the people interacting with them changed. i listened to the ongoing conversation by the next table. i wondered why is the guy alone with his kindle. i spotted someone familiar, should i go say hi? nope, i think i'll remain.

before i knew it..

i was in the cafe for two hours all by myself.

it wasn't that difficult. being alone except the part about going to the toilet and you wonder how are you gonna do that? leave your belongings behind to reserve the space? take everything with you? how? how are you gonna leave for the washroom and still have the seat?

i think i'll figure it out next time.

(~~passing time alone in a cafe~~.)

nostalgia is comforting

2011-10-25T05:06:00.000-07:00

it's so difficult to be inspired these days since i wasn't travelling much the first half of the year due to work. so what i'll do is to put myself in those many replica of indie spirit shops, be it cafes or bookshops, and be inspired by the items they sell.

15 mins.

I'll walk out of the place feeling slightly more inspired which then make life slightly less mundane.

the interesting thing about all these shops is that they sell nostalgia despite the chic indie facade.

that wooden ruler you used to have in your pencil case, the wind-up aeroplane you used to play with and the brand new five stones that reminds you of your childhood playtime.

and selling the various forms of nostalgia works.

i think mostly because of the fast and faster pace our country is moving. each day, buildings that you used to know are torn down, rebuilt and reconstructed. we keep pace with the technology, changing the way we communicate, the way we work and the way we think (in possibly just 140 characters).

so we seek refuge in these pockets of nostalgia, knowing that some things stay the same.

more so, they evoke memories; memories of you, perhaps in a happier time where everything was as black and white as it could be.

in these pockets of nostalgia, we find comfort that the modern artifacts cannot give.

2011-09-19T09:00:00.000-07:00

i felt her pain.

the pain wondering what has she done to deserve this.

nothing.

her marriage was arranged by her parents.

she had no say to whom she was going to marry.

"this guy", she thought, "i'm going to spend the rest of my life with".

"i'm going to be his wife"- whatever that means.

so there he was, confessing to her after years of marriage.

"you're not the only one i spend my time with".

it is not the first time.

it won't be the last.

what have I done to deserve this?

late 20s.

2011-08-10T19:32:00.000-07:00

i'm in my late twenty.

hurray.

not.

blah.

a ripe old age

2011-07-24T07:21:00.001-07:00

of many that I have asked, "how old do you think you will live until?".

they usually reply,

1) "i don't know"

2) "up to God"

3) "i can live as long as I can live but i have to be healthy. not sick, not losing my mobility".

he celebrated his 90th birthday today.

i thought he should be happy but looking at him in the midst of the buzz, he appeared lost.

like he doesn't know what is going on, that all these people are busying celebrating for the reason being he could live up to 90 years old.

i tried my best to wish him "happy birthday" in his native tongue (which is not mine) and he couldn't recognise me.

"i can't really see now. so i can't tell who you are."

he is slowing losing his sight. his hearing is already not going too well for him and maybe one day, he may lose his mobility.

i always wonder what it would have been like for him to travel all the way to a new distant place to start anew. that adventurous spirit. maybe there wasn't much of a spirit of adventure but it was for survival. to look for new ways, profitable ways to survive.

he must have not thought that he would eventually settled down here.

who would have known?

i never really heard much from him. except twice. he told me about the world war and some stuffs about the nanking massacre. then it was about the daily life and nothing more about the daily life.

my impression of him was much scripted by his wife. she used to grumble a lot about him in the past. how he wasn't much of a husband or a father and how he didn't treat her well.

but he was the same man who would often take the effort, with his wife, to come to our house to visit my brother and I.

and now, he would lovingly looked at his wife, who is not her old self anymore, and help her to remember every single one in the family that she cannot recall. although he can be complaining to his children about his wife, i know he doesn't like the way she is now. not that it can be help but he has learnt to cope with her condition.

sometimes, i can't reconcile what i hear and of what i see of him.

of course, everyone has a past and we all change for the better.

looking at him, i wanted to ask him what he thought of his life. that at 90, and if you should look back, did you like the way your life turn out to be? would he has change anything or done something better?

or was it that when you're at a ripe old age, the present will matter the most. with all your children, your grandchildren and even your great grandchild, your life is as good as it is and you really don't have to think about what went wrong in the past, the could-have(s) and what ifs and it is your blessing to have all of them by your side.

i think i have my answer when he smiled (after looking lost for most of the time) and blew the candles on the cake.

my anxious thoughts

2011-07-19T07:32:00.001-07:00

time is not at my side.

that kind of feeling of how powerless you are.

of all your dreams, ambitions and what have you - you realised maybe, and just maybe, you're not meant for it. you are not going to succeed. you're not going to make it. this is not the path you should take.

you will probably take life as it is.

being comfortable where you are, continue to work in a job you might not like but you don't hate, get settled down with someone good but not great, have children who will drive you nuts, grow old and maybe end up in divorce and you will grow old in a one-room flat.

today is the day i thought maybe i'll end up somewhere like that.

of course, i'm exaggerating.

but i know, and i think i know my ability, that i might not make it.

that i might not live up to my dreams.

that my dreams will always be unrealized.

so what if i have dreams?

the end of an era of magic

2011-07-14T06:33:00.000-07:00

what came first for me?

i couldn't remember. I vaguely remember reading the book in my toliet moments. yes, harry potter and the philosophy stone and imagined the scenes from the movie.

i guess it was the movie first then.

subsequently, i made it a point to read every single harry potter book even though it became thicker and thicker and i don't like thick books.

it's amazing what the magical world of harry potter can do to you. you feel like you live in that world of his and you know his friends like he did.

i remember the bad press it had. how it was about witchcraft, magic, wizardry. all these were bad for your children but look, we all turned out fine didn't we?

(at least for me)

8 years.

we had harry potter with us on paper and on screen. we read about their adventures in hogwarts, every ups and downs they went through. we watched every single actors/actresses from their cutesy looks to awkward puberty looks and finally matured and in my not so humble opinion, only emma watson survived the cruelty of growing up.

nonetheless, these 8 years were well spent growing up with harry.

and lastly, harry potter's finale did not disappoint.

that's all.

ideal living

2011-06-24T00:06:00.000-07:00

been thinking about living.

more aptly described, 生活与生存.

the other day she said to me, "I always want to work at raffles place. as an accountant in the UOB plaza" and asked me if I ever wanted to work at raffles place.

nope. i said and went on to explain why i never want to work at raffles place.

and i asked why, what happened from her dreams of being an accountant at UOB plaza?

things changed along the way, she replied.

what did you want to be?

are you still on your way to live like you have always wanted to?

2011-06-20T08:29:00.000-07:00

认真地思考生存与生活的意义

i want both.

i wanna live and survive life.

"but you can't always get what you want but if you try some times...

you might find, you'll get what you need".

so i am gonna try.

good night.

那些过往的笔迹

2011-05-22T08:54:00.001-07:00

那时的你写着的心情，
你还记得吗？
有想念吗？

看着那时的笔记，
后来你写的字
还有以往的单纯和快乐吗？

时光不能倒流，
你也离去.
剩下就是这些笔迹,
也是回忆;
你留下来的痕迹.

深呼吸

2011-05-15T08:56:00.000-07:00

take a deep deep breath and exhale.

one of those random days, someone said, "I thank God that He created air and it's free. So, we can breathe without paying a single cent."

living can be too tiring but to breathe is easy.

so, breathe hard.

it's free.

the parable of the mango tree

2011-04-19T08:45:00.000-07:00

I have a mango tree in the garden.

my granddaddy planted the seed when he came to visit us more often in the past.

(I can't remember the exact time)

this seed eventually became a plant and then a small tree.

we watched it grow, day by day but it never bear fruits.

it has been at least 10 years.

we looked at our neighbour's mango tree with envy each time it bore fruits(mango).

we came to accept the fact that the tree will never bear any fruit.

but to my surprise over the weekend, there were mini baby mangoes (yes, mangoes) on the tree....

after so long;

after we thought it will never bear any fruit.

II.

she told me, she will wait for another couple of years before she decides to give up on him. they knew each other back then, close but nothing came out of it. On and off, they kept contact but he doesn't know she is secretly waiting for him.

waiting for something to happen.

waiting for him to realise she wants to be with him.

III.

how long are you willing to wait for somebody?

thinking that something might happen?

or do you move on?

move on and maybe, when the right timing comes along, you two will meet somewhere in between and something will happen this time?

yet how would you know?

how long will you wait?

or how long can you wait?

2 years?

5 years?

10 years?

IV.

I hope she will find those mangoes waiting for her.

同花顺－林倛玉

要是你心里真没我
你不会剪去了长发
闪动如蝴蝶在双颊　

那是眼泪吗？

要是你心里真有我
你不会嘴边无火花
静静观察人世浮华　

心已麻

假如说钢铁磨成针　

只要愿意等
只要肯爱得深
是不是就有这可能
有可能打动这铁石心肠的人

可惜就算梦能成真　

有谁猜得准
能分到多少福份
生命的同花顺　

底牌没有你
我也认

假如说温柔是谎话
你不会颠覆这想法
你撑着眼儿都不眨　

是眼泪吗？

假如你真的放得下
你怎会一言也不发
漂泊天涯苦苦挣扎　

心已麻

因为幸福没那么容易才会特别让人著迷

2011-04-11T08:43:00.000-07:00

没那么简单－黄小琥

没那么简单就能找到聊得来的伴
尤其是在看过了那么多的背叛
总是不安只好强悍
谁谋杀了我的浪漫

没那么简单就能去爱别的全不看
变得实际也许好也许坏各一半
不爱孤单一久也习惯
不用担心谁也不用被谁管

感觉快乐就忙东忙西
感觉累了就放空自己
别人说的话随便听一听自己作决定
不想拥有太多情绪
一杯红酒配电影

在周末晚上关上了手机舒服窝在沙发里

相爱没有那么容易每个人有他的脾气
过了爱作梦的年纪轰轰烈烈不如平静
幸福没有那么容易才会特别让人著迷
什么都不懂的年纪
曾经最掏心所以最开心曾经
想念最伤心但却最动心的记忆

I didn't really like this song when I first heard it until I read the lyrics of the song when someone chose to sing this song of the many KTV sessions and was blown away by the lyrics. I think it so aptly describes certain attitudes towards love.

well, we can never get enough of songs about love.

right now, i think the lyrics pretty much describe my thoughts.

chaotic times

2011-04-01T06:37:00.001-07:00

时间时间
你跑去哪了？
没时间
我没时间。

just thought that it is pretty ridiculous how it takes a month advance to ask someone out because everyone leads such busy lives.

it's insane.

where have all our time gone to?
what are we occupied with?

this week, I think I heard more than I need to hear.

and it is chaotic times like this when I reconsider the important things in life.

we could live life by the moment or we could really live life by doing things that impact; change thoughts, actions and ultimately lives.

so should the world ends, you and i could look back with no regrets.

just saying.

背着我的她

2011-03-27T05:53:00.000-07:00

这是关于阿嬷的故事.

我的阿嬷.

小时候的我经常生病 (其实大了还是经常生病).

我记得每次我发烧然后病到没力走路时，阿嬷都会背着我去看医生.

看完医生后，她会无微不至地照顾我，哄我吃药.

病好的我不久又再顽皮了.

时光飞逝，现在的我也不是那需要阿嬷照顾的小女孩. 但我们好像对换了位置. 现在的阿嬷不像那年背着我去看医生的阿嬷...而像是我们需要照顾的大小孩.

昨天陪阿嬷去看医生.

也是走回同一条她背我去看医生的路，但她是坐在轮椅.

这几年在照顾她的菲佣慢慢地推她去看医生.

我和姑姑走在她后面.

阿嬷突然说，“阿girl啊！你在哪里？”

阿嬷是讲福建话的。

(阿girl是我姑姑的小名. 阿嬷很喜欢替我们取小名.）

姑姑立刻用福建话回复她.

“我在后面. 不要担心”

阿嬷就说，“我看不到你. 走在我前面.”

到了诊所，医生就问我们阿嬷发生什么事而要来看医生.

姑姑说阿嬷咳嗽，已经咳了两晚. 菲佣立刻点点头，说阿嬷咳了两晚，没有睡好.

然后我们忙着帮阿嬷回答，就这样几乎忘了阿嬷的存在，叽里咕噜地和医生对话.

阿嬷很坚定地突然说，“医生在讲什么？！”

她这一句话，对我来说，让我知道我认识的阿嬷还是存在的.

阿嬷有老人痴呆症.

就因为如此，她的记忆力慢慢地退化. 她活动的能力也好像被病魔慢慢地偷走. 渐渐地，她失去了她已往的活动能力. 活动范围几乎只是从房间到客厅椅子上而从椅子到房间里. 一天过一天.

后来的她，对我来说，就不像那时背我去看医生的阿嬷.

我认识的灵魂不见了. 剩下的是她的躯壳，跟我说话的她不被我认同.

她就变成了阿嬷.

不是那照顾我的阿嬷.

其实也不知道为什么自己会这样. 发现自己会用距离保护自己来应付阿嬷的状况. 就是说如果没有和阿嬷那么亲的话，自己就不会觉得什么.

阿嬷也渐渐地像小孩一样，需要我们的照顾. 我们也用对待小孩的方法来应付她. 像要哄她吃药，喂她吃饭，帮她冲凉，换衣服等等. 你也以为她像小孩一样，所以跟她对话是也以和小孩子沟通方式一样. 我也已把她当成是小孩一般的看待. 忘了她需要的尊重和关怀. 昨天看着她那还需要我们尊重的阿嬷，让我感到十分内疚但也不知所错. 内疚是成经那么照顾我的阿嬷，而现在的我也没有什么照顾她.

发现自己可能其实都还没有能力面对因老人痴呆而被偷走的记忆力的她.

没有接受她有老人痴呆的事实.

每次去阿嬷家，看到阿嬷的第一句话是，“阿嬷，我是谁？你还记得吗？”

爷爷也会立刻问她，“是阿！你记得她是谁吗？”

时好时坏.

以前阿嬷会说，“记得！她是阿美妮”.

后来，阿嬷会说，“记得，她是圆的”. 那是她给我的小名，希望我长的胖胖的. 其实，长大后她就没有叫我的小名了. 所以那时，我怀疑她记忆里的我是小时候的我.

现在，阿嬷会说，“啊，叫什么名啊！我记不起来. 我懂但不知道是叫什么名了.”

如果说病魔会一天一天地把她的回忆给偷走，我希望病魔拿走的是那些不好的回忆. 剩下的都是她美好的记忆，让她活得开心.

“阿嬷，你还记得你以前会背着我去看医生吗？”

"you're my beautiful surprise"

2011-03-27T01:43:00.000-07:00

they sat in the car and she started talking about love, her ideals and all the thoughts that she had to her. not that they always talked to each other but she couldn't stand any awkward silence on the way home. so she rant about all the thoughts that she had about falling in love and loving somebody and she just listened only to comment that she thinks too much. before they knew it, she reached her destination and she said to her," you know, with all these thoughts that you have, you'll probably meet someone and have a romantic relationship soon".

and they both laughed it off as she got out of the car.

i attended a wedding service over the weekend. it was one of those relationships that i had the opportunity to be there at the beginning. not that i know the groom very well but you know, the kind of relationship where you know they were made for each other.

and they used this song for their video montage. (i vaguely remembered that i actually introduced it to the bride and i think we shared how much we love this song)

reminded me of all the emotions i attached to this song a few years back.

listening to it now. i still feel the butterflies in my stomach.

nevertheless, the song was really apt in their story.

congrats beth. ;)

When did you fall in love - Chris Rice

You're all smiles and silly conversations
As if this sunny day came just for you
You twist your hair, your smile and you turn your eyes away
Come on, tell me what's right with you

Now it dawns on me, probably everybody's talking
And there's something here I'm supposed to realize
'Cause your secret's out and the universe laughs at its joke on me
I just caught it in your eyes, it's a beautiful surprise

When did you fall in love with me?
Was it out of the blue?
'Cause I swear I never knew it

When did you let your heart run free?
Have you been waiting long?
When did you fall in love with me?
When did you fall in love?

Make your way over here, sit down by this fool and let's rewind
Come on, let's go back and replay all our scenes
You could point out the hints, the clues, the twists
And the smiles this time, all the ones that slipped by me

I bet my face is red and you can hear my heart pounding
Well, I guess it don't matter now that I realize
'Cause baby, I missed it then but I can surely see you now
Right here before my eyes, you're my beautiful surprise

When did you fall in love with me?
Was it out of the blue?
'Cause I swear I never knew it

When did you let your heart run free?
Have you been waiting long?
When did you fall in love with me?
When did you fall in love?

Was it at the coffee shop?
Or was it that morning at the bus stop?
When you almost slipped and I caught your hand
Or the time we built the snowman?

The day at the beach, sandy and warm
Or the night with the scary thunderstorm?
I never saw the signs and we've got to make up for lost time
And I can tell now by the way that you're looking at me
I better finish this song so my lips will be free, yeah

Have you been waiting long?
When did you fall in love?
I kept you waiting so long

When did you fall?
Have you been waiting long?
When did you fall in love with me?
When did you fall in love?

Was it at the coffee shop
Or that morning at the bus stop?
I never saw the signs, no, no

'Cause I'm gonna fall, I'm gonna fall
I'm about to fall in love
And I need to know
When did you fall for me?

My lips will be free
My lips are free
My lips are free

e.e cummings is my favourite poet

2011-03-26T00:57:00.000-07:00

the other day, i found booksactually by chance.

by chance because I always wanted to go there since uni days (they used to sell their books at NUS. not sure if they still do) and when it was at Ang Siang Hill, I would pass by and not go in because I didn't have the chance too..

but this week, i did. at their new place at yong siak street.

the visit reminded me of e.e cummings (because they had poems and pencils of e.e cummings) .

i learnt about e.e cummings in my lit 1101e class during uni days. i'm never a fan of poetry. of music, books and poetry, music is my greatest love. poetry... not much but i love e.e cummings. his eccentric way of writing poem, the way he structures it, it's visual. he makes poetry visual with the way he places the letters to describe the poetry. as if, he is painting the poems.

my favourite poem from him?

"i carry your heart with me".

but today I'll share with you this one.

you being in love(XII)
you being in love
will tell who softly asks in love,

am i separated from your body smile brain hands merely
to become the jumping puppets of a dream? oh i mean:
entirely having in my careful how
careful arms created this at length
inexcusable, this inexplicable pleasure-you go from several
persons: believe me that strangers arrive
when i have kissed you into a memory
slowly, oh seriously
-that since and if you disappear

solemnly
myselves
ask "life, the question how do i drink dream smile

and how do i prefer this face to another and
why do i weep eat sleep-what does the whole intend"
they wonder. oh and they cry "to be, being, that i am alive
this absurd fraction in its lowest terms
with everything cancelled
but shadows
-what does it all come down to? love? Love
if you like and i like,for the reason that i
hate people and lean out of this window is love,love
and the reason that i laugh and breathe is oh love and the reason
that i do not fall into this street is love."

a poem collection book of e.e cummings is very much welcomed. thanks!

2011-03-24T17:06:00.001-07:00

sick again.

rawr.

:/

voyeurism

2011-03-20T07:06:00.000-07:00

back to reality.

not that I went anywhere,

but decided to put myself somewhere familiar and comfortable.

spent the last four nights absorbing the sights of the city.

the night falls, the city never sleep.

ever so alluring, ever so bright.

even when you switch off the lights in the house, you'll still see the buildings, the skyscrapers, the apartments.

pocket of lights, stories unfold in these "boxed" up spaces.

you'll hear the cars passing by, racing against each other with their revving engines and if you stayed long enough, you could possibly identify the cars from their engines' noise.

an almost voyeuristic feel

and i love it.

the much sought after.

2011-03-20T01:05:00.000-07:00

it's the emptiness we want to fill.

that emptiness where you sit by and look at that friend who is happily married and wonder why it isn't you.

it's that longing where you want to be happy just be with somebody.

why?

there's meaning in it.

suddenly, your existence is no longer insignificant in this big big world. your actions, your thoughts, your smile mean something (more than just mere something) to somebody.

there's always someone looking out for you.

listening to you.

thinking about how (perhaps) wonderful you are.

therefore, the endless quest of finding and searching for the one.

over this week, i hear news of friends finding love and losing love.

oh love.

just thoughts.

much thoughts.

no words.

bad planning

2011-03-19T20:45:00.001-07:00

crap.

panicking 'cause of bad planning.

ok.

not really panicking.

i'm just exaggerating

but yes,

bad planning.

times like these, i'll get angry with myself.

(i get angry with myself quite often these days. rawr!)

note.

2011-03-19T08:27:00.001-07:00

just so you know.

i'm off twitter and facebook for awhile.

message me when you want to look for me.

or tell me things.

or just wanna say hi.

on being direct.

2011-03-06T06:31:00.000-08:00

inspired by a colleague, i should fast from some social media.

such as.

facebook

and

twitter.

i'll think it'll help me to channel my attention to other things that are more constructive.

i was thinking about certain things the other day.

that i'm no longer the outspoken me.

wait. i was never outspoken

but what i meant was that i was direct.

i used to be direct.

the fact that i had an opinion or question about you, i'll say it. regardless of whatever circumstances.

these days, i really don't do that anymore. which i wonder, if it's a good thing.

ok, maybe it isn't a good thing or a bad thing but just being a little more aggressive.

ok not aggressive

but.

(i can't think of the word to describe)

anyway,

why do weekends come and pass by so quickly?

goodnight and goodbye.

on texting and romance

2011-03-03T08:41:00.001-08:00

and ashton kutcher wrote a really insightful piece on texting and romance.

I was shooting a scene in my new film, No Strings Attached, in which I say to Natalie Portman, "If you miss me ... you can't text, you can't e-mail, you can't post it on my [Facebook] wall. If you really miss me, you come and see me." I began to think of all of the billions of intimate exchanges sent daily via fingers and screens, bouncing between satellites and servers. With all this texting, e-mailing, and social networking, I started wondering, are we all becoming so in touch with one another that we are in danger of losing touch?

It used to be that boy met girl and they exchanged phone numbers. Anticipation built. They imagined the entire relationship before a call ever happened. The phone rang. Hearts pounded. "Hello?" Followed by a conversation that lasted two hours but felt like two minutes and would be examined with friends for two weeks. If all went well, a date was arranged. That was then.

Now we exchange numbers but text instead of calling because it mitigates the risks of early failure and eliminates those deafening moments of silence. Now anticipation builds. Bdoop. "It was NICE meeting u." Both sides overanalyze every word. We talk to a friend, an impromptu Cyrano: "He wrote nice in all caps. What does that mean? What do I write back?" Then we write a response and delete it 10 times before sending a message that will appear 2 care, but not 2 much. If all goes well, a date will be arranged.

Whether you like it or not, the digital age has produced a new format for modern romance, and natural selection may be favoring the quick-thumbed quip peddler over the confident, ice-breaking alpha male. Or maybe we are hiding behind the cloak of digital text and spell-check to present superior versions of ourselves while using these less intimate forms of communication to accelerate the courting process. So what's it really good for?

There is some argument about who actually invented text messaging, but I think it's safe to say it was a man. Multiple studies have shown that the average man uses about half as many words per day as women, thus text messaging. It eliminates hellos and goodbyes and cuts right to the chase. Now, if that's not male behavior, I don't know what is. It's also great for passing notes. There is something fun about sharing secrets with your date while in the company of others. Think of texting as a modern whisper in your lover's ear.

Sending sweet nothings on Twitter or Facebook is also fun. In some ways, it's no different than sending flowers to the office: You are declaring your love for everyone to see. Who doesn't like to be publicly adored? Just remember that what you post is out there and there's some stuff you can't unsee.

But the reality is that we communicate with every part of our being, and there are times when we must use it all. When someone needs us, he or she needs all of us. There's no text that can replace a loving touch when someone we love is hurting.

We haven't lost romance in the digital age, but we may be neglecting it. In doing so, antiquated art forms are taking on new importance. The power of a handwritten letter is greater than ever. It's personal and deliberate and means more than an e-mail or text ever will. It has a unique scent. It requires deciphering. But, most important, it's flawed. There are errors in handwriting, punctuation, grammar, and spelling that show our vulnerability. And vulnerability is the essence of romance. It's the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say, "This is me, and I'm interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more important, all that I am not."

conversation with mum #45567

2011-02-21T03:22:00.000-08:00

mum: why haven't you got a boyfriend?

me: well, you can't rush these things right mum? if you have it, you have it. if you don't, you don't.

mum: but that is 'cause you're not making the effort!

me: what effort? you don't rush these things do you?

mum: you have so many friends. you mean there isn't a single guy that you're interested or what not?

me: no, mum, no. look! i mean now that i have plans to study, it doesn't make sense to have a boyfriend now! it's like if you have a boyfriend, you won't get to study!

mum: why?! how could you say that? you can always have a boyfriend and study at the same time!

me: if i were to start anything now, then what happens when i leave singapore to study? ask the guy to leave with me? I doubt that. isn't it better for me to not be in any relationship now right?

mum: ok! then go US to find one then. better still.

I think that conversation will keep mum off my back for a little while.

on another note, i really want to stop falling sick, get well, exercise and get the grades.

if you rescue me, i'll be your friend forever

2011-02-20T20:36:00.001-08:00

I was contemplating with this idea that maybe we should all confess to people that we are interested in that we are interested in them.

of course, someone tried to propose this idea to me before and I was explaining to her that we can't confess just like that. we have to wait for the chance - the right timing, the right conversation, the right situation and viola, there goes forth the word.

yet this valentine day and more, I thought we should do that. like how would the person know that we are vaguely interested if we never confess our strange little feelings for them? how would the person know that we want to know them better if we always pretend that we are satisfied with the status quo? how would the person realize that among everyone in the crowd, he/she has got your attention if we just keep silent?

how?

have. you. thought. of. that?

obviously what is stopping us it's probably rejection. the fear that if you confess and the relationship between you and that person may turn awkward. the fear that when you said you are interested in them, they turned their backs at you and thought "omg, why?". the ultimate fear that all of your mind games and perhaps fleeting and strange feelings are all one-sided; your own little brain's endorphins making you feel almost in love. that harsh reality that our interests in people may not always have equitable returns.

the thing about confessions is that it leaves you powerless. like your life is hanging by the moment that the decision is not yours to make, especially if you are someone who likes to be in control.

however, confessions cause cosmic changes! when you confess, you at least put this idea into the other party's mind that you are interested in him/her which could be the beginning of something good.

so what say you?

to confess or to not confess?

I was just thinking that I'm in camp not confess but a recent incident (not mine) made me wonder if camp not confess is the best of the situation.

I do realize there are always the" he's just not that into you" stories but you know what?

at least you know it's not gonna work out.
at least you don't have to play mind games with yourself
at least you won't have to go about thinking if you have tried, maybe things would have worked out.
at least you've tried.

let's be bold and confess (or at least let the person know of your perhaps fleeting feelings). whatever comes after, you will be able to take it at your stride. :)

and I'm so sick of going to the doctor.

2011-02-20T17:00:00.001-08:00

at the clinic for the 164337 times in the last four months?

ok obviously not that many but yes I've been in and out of the clinics at least 4 times in the last 2 months.

I'll be sick for like 2 weeks then get well for 2 weeks before I'll fall sick again.

what is this man!

sigh.

okay this is a me ranting post.

I'll come up with a more philosophical one next.

and they knocked me sideways.

2011-02-06T07:44:00.000-08:00

You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away

(sideways - citizen cope)

for all the feelings that i had.

htht

2011-02-03T21:25:00.000-08:00

the late night always have this uncanny ability to connect people. it's as if we don't need to sleep and this talking mechanism in us is switched on at 3am in the morning and you'll share secrets, burdens, stories and thoughts with one another.

I htht with my cousin till early morning yesterday in his ridiculously gigantic big new house. he gave me this MTV styled "welcome to my crib" tour around the new place after our CNY annual mahjong playing and I was hungry so I had a cup of noodles at the house.

we started talking.

talked about our families. talked about our views about love and relationship. talked about growing up. talked about our siblings.

of course, in htht, you'll learn more about the other person and that you realized you should have paid more attention.

it's interesting to hear from his perspective about how he viewed certain things about our families, like how he viewed his own family and mine. despite how different it may be, we all have our fair share of crap. I think it was only yesterday that it finally sank into my head how ridiculously rich my uncle(in-law) could be because of the sheer size of the new house and his position in his career. I always knew he was somewhere there but I didn't know he is THAT there and so he complained about how both of us have some really big shoes to fill especially for him. the lifestyles that we are both comfortable in.. and how if he is ever gonna make it like his dad and what happens after our parents decide to retire.. will we ever gonna provide them like how they did for us?

and I admitted to him that I share the exact same sentiments and how it does affect what i wanna do. like the choice between fulfilling your dreams or put your family first before fulfilling your dreams and then we started bitching about our siblings and how nonchalant they can get when it comes to family affair/issues and you'll be so frustrated because you wish that they will be a little less indifferent or grow up and help you along to carry whatever burdens there may be.

then of course, it was about marriage and relationship.

it is strange how we both didn't want ourselves to be like our parents in a certain way. he didn't want to be like his father when it comes to fatherhood and I didn't want to be like my mum when it comes to marriage.

it was then when I asked if he is ever gonna marry his girlfriend.

and he said, " I suppose she is the one I'll end up marrying.".

and I started on my argument on how marriage should be - all my ideals.

i guess that long conversation confirms how I'll never settle for anything less for marriage. nice is not enough. nice is good to have but I would want the best like having the mythical one. I do believe we always have this one person that got away and you believe that person is the one but whoever comes along, I suppose you could make the person the one to be and get married because you want to be committed to the person. If that is not possible, why get married? just because of settling down??

who wants to spend time alone? no one! but marrying someone out of the sake of it is worse off.

(it's to my cousin's advantage that the girlfriend is ridiculously in love with him and he is happy with that 'cause he is more of a taker in the relationship.)

on a lighter note, we concluded that I needed to find a rich man. hahah. (Meiji, you're suppose to find that old shiek for me!)

I think most of the time, htht for me it's like a self realizing process where the points you make show you what you perceive as a person.

as much as you'll get to understand the other party more, you will understand yourself better.

so I realized for me, things are more black and white for me. not as much grey areas as I used to have. like when we were discussing about cheating. for him, cheating is okay if the party has reasonable, understandable grounds to cheat (i.e. the partner treats him/her like crap). I told him it's not. cheating is cheating. even if one has the grounds to cheat and I could understand, it's still cheating and it's not tolerable and I think he was quite taken back with my insistence.

I guess I grew up.

隐形眼镜－梁文福

2011-01-31T08:12:00.000-08:00

在一起的时候

总是骗你

忘了戴隐形眼镜

要你靠近

更靠近

不在一起之后

开始骗自己

忽然提早远视了

你越遥远

越清晰

隐形的是

我仍未停止的目送

saw this on a postcard today and i knew i had to blog and share this.

if only i can write.

perfectly fine alone

2011-01-27T05:50:00.000-08:00

i just want to say, i'm perfectly fine alone.

i don't want anything, or anyone to upset my emotional state.

balance is good.

so i'm going to drop whatever little fantasies i have and grow up.

guessing games

2011-01-20T08:43:00.000-08:00

at the end of the day, you realise (or i realised) you are no longer at the age where you are willing to put your heart out there to be trampled and trashed.

nope.

sorry, i'm tired of playing.

if you're interested, just tell me.

all these guessing mind games; it's just a waste of (my) time.

2011-01-07T08:06:00.001-08:00

ok I must say.

I have no idea what is going on.

soulmates

2011-01-05T23:37:00.000-08:00

from (500) days of summer.

Tom is playing Wii with Rachel.

TOM

We’re so compatible it’s insane!

She’s not like I thought at all.

She’s... amazing.

RACHEL

Oh boy.

TOM

What?

RACHEL

You know...just cause some cute

girl likes the same bizarro music you do

that doesn’t mean she's your soulmate.

but of course, we like to believe that because what are the odds you find another person who likes the same bizzaro crap like you do?

distracted

2011-01-05T07:30:00.000-08:00

distracted is totally the word for the day.

I'm feel strung out again.

:/

on another note, I'm sick!

lessons learnt

2010-12-26T06:23:00.000-08:00

i realise a few things during this Christmas season:

1) i don't know you as much as you know me. i guess cause i'm an open book and you are ever so enigmatic which drives me mad to a relatively large extent.

2) i'm not young anymore. she 'screamed' that thought into my head over alcohol and perhaps alcohol amplified it and she shared how at 25, she made a decision that changed her life.

3) alcohol and people in the middle of the night = HTHT.

4) "Haven't you been saying a long time ago that you want to go and study?"- my friends keep me accountable to my goals.

5) i enjoy the process of making something - cooking allows me to do that.

blessed christmas.

i hope you enjoyed it as much as i did.

;)

zoom.

2010-12-18T08:55:00.000-08:00

it feels like a really long time since I stopped myself to type out what I'm thinking.

I think at least for the last three months I have been busy in my opinion.

with the report to close, to my friend's wedding, to cambodia, to bangkok, to church musical

my three months just zoom past before me like this.

it's time to reflect, give thanks and look forward.

confession #270

2010-11-17T07:24:00.000-08:00

i must admit that in between all that complains about being busy, i like to steal time to do mindless things (like spacing out in front of the TV, check FB, tweet and waste time on the many game apps on d iphone) and I get upset with myself for doing so; for stealing time when i could complete the 10001 things on my to-do list.

film

2010-11-09T05:14:00.001-08:00

as an avid user of lomos, i find it increasingly difficult to get films and to develop them.

not sure about you but because of the digital age, your nearby film store no longer "develop" your films. they would have to outsource it elsewhere for the films to be developed. they then diversify by printing your digital pictures (if you want them in hard copies) and sold random photography items. They do occasionally provide photocopying services and no longer sell much of your films.

like the other day before my trip to cambodia, I went around to look for fuji iso400 and the uncle said, "nope, we do not have stock" and i had to go to another shop which only had "kodak iso400" and it costs almost as much as a 120mm format film.

the stock that they have of the films are not much as well so that limits your choice of film.

what happened to the nearby film shop?

anyway, when i sent my films to be developed, the uncle told me i had to wait for a week which i replied with a big "HUH". Uncle, with much patience, explained that they have to send it to another centre for the film to be developed and said nowadays, nobody really send films to be developed which i replied that i am aware of that.

i just hope that 135mm films stay around and not end up like polaroid films but i guess not everyone is on my side.

因为在别人眼里你也是美丽的风景

2010-11-01T08:18:00.000-07:00

i absolutely adore the jazzy feel to this song and the witty lyrics (go check the lyrics). I had the song on repeat and thought of you and your recent story....

so this song is for you!

因为再美的风景会离开眼睛而在别人的眼里，你也是美丽的风景.

my best friend's wedding

2010-10-27T06:45:00.000-07:00

i never believe in marriage.

there, i've said it.

judging from my parents' experience on marriage, i thought marriage was only because you have kids so you have to stay together. other than that, there was no reason why two persons should stay together when what was love is a story of the past.

but after last weekend, that mindset has been challenged.

it was not the first wedding that I have attended. neither was it the first wedding that I attended of a friend's but there was something different about that wedding.

i remembered when she first told me about the proposal in mid 2010, i realised i'm not fine with just being married. It's like marriage is the end of all things bohemian and fun. You'll get bogged down by responsibilities and dreams turn into dust etc etc, you get the picture.

Yet on the day itself, the look of her being married just drew tears to my eyes. (oh emo me). I guess I never thought that I'll see her getting married despite spending almost half of my life with her.

You see, I think being committed to somebody for your entire life is a crazy and very insane thing to do. We change. Our feelings change. The world is changing. How could anyone want to marry somebody else knowing that things will change?

not me.

I could be with somebody but being married, the idea is pretty explosive. Like why would anyone want to marry anybody?

But her wedding sow a thought on me that perhaps, that very thing i'm afraid of is possible - that it is absolutely possible for two individuals coming together, to stay together, for better or worse, despite changes, could stay married to build a life together.

that at the end of the day, being committed and married isn't an impossible and bad thing after all.

that maybe what was more tiring to do was to fall in love, fall out of love, change partners, being single, getting attached, being single again and getting attached again.

i'm amazed how one wedding could draw so much thoughts in me.

it's crazy isn't it?

the process of growing up.

two stories, one God.

2010-10-11T08:42:00.000-07:00

This is a story about a man who was diagnosed with nose cancer. Last stage, says the doctor and has only about 3 months to live. He fought for 4 years after, wrote a book on how God has been with him the last 4 years. He fought nose cancer with so much hope and joy. The last weeks of his life, he was in so much pain, he told people to pray that God will take him away. A week after he said that, he passed on.

This is a story about a woman who had an aggressive brain tumour. She had it removed and doctors advised her to go through chemotherapy, yet she has to decide if her unborn child could make it through the chemotherapy and all the medicines she is taking, she wonders if there will be any side effects on her unborn child which she has been trying for sometime. What happens if she choose not to go for chemotherapy? If she make it? Will her unborn child make it? At this point, She hopes, she hopes in God,

Have you wonder who God is?

gibberish

2010-10-07T17:02:00.000-07:00

shfeirjcjs, eieifu 2&:&,2@2 ebenxnwggyi.
ejenrnyuunbw ddfg wiriteownx assiwowocn.

(all the above is read like this, "gi-ber gi-ber gi-ber gi-ber x as long as you can say)

these days, I find myself picking up gibberish from my student.

timing and attraction

2010-10-07T08:15:00.001-07:00

I always thought it isn't difficult to fall for anyone. timing is everything for attraction. at the right timing, everything will work out fine. so then, maybe there isn't a type we look for.. rather we should hope for a right timing where we could be attracted to the next person that we meet perhaps.

and it could spark something unforgettable.

what are you living for?

2010-10-02T08:25:00.000-07:00

It's the kind of day I just want to spend time with myself and laze around.
Maybe with a book, some dreamy music. They make good escapade, from reality.

Not that I have a lot to escape from. Maybe occasionally from you, you and you. But I just didn't want to live up to anyone's expectations. So today, I lied to escape to be with myself.

A few thoughts have been marinating in my head (but never did I have the time to express them).

What are you living for?

What am I living for?

She told me only a life for God, is the only life worth living for.

How about you?

Tell me.

no more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

2010-09-27T09:58:00.000-07:00

how much truth is there in such when they said, "you can't really get over somebody until you are with somebody else"?

as each day closes, i do sleep with the fear of knowing how skeptical i have become.

blinding - florence + the machine

Seems that I have been held, in some dreaming state
A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake
No kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber
Until I realise that it was you who held me under

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids
Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back
Cos all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open
And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuit boards
Synapse slipping through the hidden door
Snow White's stitching up the circuit board

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuit boards
Synapse slipping through the hidden door
Snow White's stitching up the circuit board
Synapse slipping through the hidden door

if it wasn't for the ground, i wouldn't be so afraid of falling

2010-09-15T09:59:00.000-07:00

falling - florence + the machine.

i've fallen out of favour

And I've fallen from grace
Fallen out of trees
And I've fallen on my face
Fallen out of taxis
Out of windows too
Fell in your opinion
When I fell in love with you

Oh-ooh (repeated)

Sometimes I wish for falling
Wish for the release
Wish for falling through the air
To give me some relief
Because falling's not the problem
When I'm falling I'm in peace
It's only when I hit the ground
It causes all the grief

Oh-ooh

This is a song for a scribbled out name
And my love keeps writing again and again
This is a song for a scribbled out name
And my love keeps writing again and again
And again

I'll dance myself up
Drunk myself down
Find people to love
Love people too drunk
I'm not scared to jump
I'm not scared to fall
If there was nowhere to land
I woudn't be scared
At all
All

Sometimes I wish for falling
Wish for the release
Wish for falling through the air
To give me some relief
Because falling's not the problem
When I'm falling I'm in peace
It's only when I hit the ground
It causes all the grief

it's always the truth that we do not want to listen to.

we seek denial and build our own reality because it is easier this way.

but indeed, i won't mind being deluded from falling....

not until i hit the ground.

open can

2010-09-08T03:49:00.001-07:00

the other day, I was grocery shopping with somebody and she said, "I wanna make breakfast for her".

besides being next to the cold food storage area, I had goosebumps by those words...

and I wonder when was the last time I thought of anything close to that.

It isn't a bad thing to open up in a relationship. it's just what happens after a bad break up - like an empty, opened can.

then you have to start filling yourself again.

you always gain some and lose some isn't it.

he's just not that into you.

2010-09-06T04:25:00.000-07:00

I absolutely heart the lines in he's just not that into you.

Alex: Hey, Kelli Ann. Uh, did I get any calls?
Kelli Ann: Since you asked me 11 mins ago, no, not a lot of phone traffic.
Alex: [obsessively checks phone for signal]
Kelli Ann: Oh, my God.
Alex: What?
Kelli Ann: What's her name?
Alex: Who?
Kelli Ann: The girl... Alex.
Alex: There's no girl.
Kelli Ann: You can't hide it, man. I know strung out, and YOU are strung out.
Alex: Please.
Kelli Ann: This is amazing. You can't focus. Right? Jumping every time your phone rings. Checking your e-mail a hundred times a day. Wishing you could write songs.
Alex: [laughs]
Kelli Ann: No. Feeling the need to bring up her name in random conversations. It's always the same and it has happened to you, my friend.
Alex: Shit.
Kelli Ann: Welcome to my world, asshole. Let me get the door.

I so can identify the need to bring up name in random conversations part. lol.

it has made it into my list of favorite movies and sits side by side with eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

别去打扰他的心

2010-09-05T03:40:00.000-07:00

等他的爱

几个夏天已过完

心里面还记得他温热的脸
漫长的路

或许你也孤单

只希望我们的心一样的天蓝

这么深切的爱
那么遥远的距离
无法重来的故事
怎么可能打动他的心

以为只以为
我能告诉自己
让回忆只是回忆
别去打扰他的心

为他的爱

不顾一切的等待
心里面怎能轻易就说再见
漫长的路

各自找寻真爱
好希望我们的心一样的天蓝

让这么深切的爱
那么遥远的距离
无法重来的故事
怎么可能打动他的心

以为只以为
我能告诉自己
让回忆只是回忆
别去打扰他的心
让回忆只是回忆
别去打扰他的心

learned helplessness.

we don't just move on.

we assessed the situation and realised that there isn't much we can do, isn't much we can change anything.

then we just cope...

and then we moved on.

do you want to marry me, baby?

2010-09-03T11:14:00.000-07:00

mum came back from states (DC, NY and Philadelphia) with coach bag/pouches, furla, burberry and an IPAD.

it was hilarious for me to hear her states adventure.

like how she was trying to help me get my kate spade item and she ended up at the wrong place, instead of the fifth avenue.. she was at harlem, all by herself.

and there was this black man who saw her walking by and said to her...

"do you want to marry me, baby" ?

lol.

i wish for a one-way ticket to california.

on another note, should start looking how to study for GRE after september and train for stand chart.

i have procrastinated enough.

good night.

live like your days are numbered

2010-08-31T17:00:00.000-07:00

with piano exams next week and a major report at hand, you feel like you know what it meant to live as if your days are numbered.

with one day ending, means another day nearer to the dead line.

pretty morbid but it is just how it is.

on another note, much caffeine is causing not to fall asleep at night which causes a vicious cycle of being tired and then taking caffeine again.

times like these make me wish that I had 48 hours in a day.

ok.

time to get ready for work!

hoot.

2010-08-29T07:10:00.000-07:00

sometimes, all i need is that quiet acknowledgement to tell me that you understood.

thank you for that.

2010-08-28T16:51:00.001-07:00

I woke up and I realised...

it's disappointment.

maybe all these while, I was in denial because I don't want to be disappointed.

don't want to be disappointed by the fact that people eat their own words all the time.

or the fact that I'm too trusting.

or that I care too much which at the beginning, I shouldn't have.

feels like the joke is on me....

again.

这样也好。

2010-08-26T21:35:00.001-07:00

这样也好。

有些事不用说得太清楚。

你知，我知。

不许用言语来表达什么。

你快乐就好。

25岁的我写给5岁的我。

2010-08-09T09:26:00.003-07:00

亲爱的你，

你还好吧？

后来你还在害怕吗？

20年就这样过去了。

很想告诉你长大也不过是这样。

后来你就这样跌跌撞撞地过着。

过程中，有些事让你开心，有些事让你伤心。有好的事，也有坏的。有些迷惑但最后还是找到出路。

就这样，你学习了不少。

想告诉你，你还过得不错。

不是什么世界冠军，也不是有名的某某人。但在平凡的生活里，你有你想要的事与物，过着平凡中有一点不平凡的生活。

我想还有一些能改善的事。
我想会用接下来的五年去做这些小小的革命。

生日快乐五岁的你。
生日快乐二十五岁的我。

跟我一起努力吧！

至上，
25岁的我。

before I turn 25.

2010-08-09T09:26:00.001-07:00

18 minutes before I turn 25.

I may have blogged about this before. when I was 5, I cried so hard and told my parents in the car that I didn't want to grow up. I didn't want to face the harsh reality of growing up. I didn't want to die.

20 years has come and gone.

out of these 20 years, I supposed i may not know it all yet but I think the last 20 years have served its purpose.

I have made some awesome decisions, some awful ones. i met all of you, and been to places I never think I would go. i fell yet at the same time, I conquered my own mountains. i kept on searching. answers, I found some. the rest I would have to wait to find out.

they said it's quarter life crisis when you reach 25. I think I had it the last two years after I graduated from school and I think I am pretty certain of what I want in the next 5 years. (10 years is a tad long)

so to achieving, to living and to finding that passion in life..

blessed birthday.

2010-08-08T23:38:00.000-07:00

i'm turning 25.

it isn't much of a big deal, right?

2010-07-29T08:53:00.000-07:00

i like to space out in front of the tv.

it's pretty mindless.

good for the tired soul.

one of those things i'll like to steal time for.

now back to reality, it's time for bed. need to clear that sleep debt.

and people, watch united states of tara.

你我之间后来都不重要了.

2010-07-17T04:19:00.001-07:00

at that moment, I realised it takes a lot of me to be the bigger woman.

后来发现...
最后的对话，
最后的温柔，
最后的再见，
在那一瞬间
都已不重要.

多心疼,
多痛苦,
多伤痛,
也已不重要.

全部都不重要了.

一个人的体温

2010-07-03T03:53:00.001-07:00

一个人的体温，性别重不重要？
若重要，到底有多重要？

mid 2010 reflection

2010-07-01T04:40:00.000-07:00

it's first of July.

half of 2010 has passed.

I spent the last night of June drinking cider and falling sick.

well.

the last six months have been awesome.
there was the trip to China, liting's wedding, learning diving, Phuket/phiphi, Sabah.

I think those were the hightlights.

in between, several things happened but it's all blur.

in the words of mr schue(glee), "there is only one beginning and one end in life. the rest is just many middle".

some days were good. some days were lived like I just had to make do to survive and that is not the way it should be.

everyday is precious.

next 6 months, these are the stuffs I want to complete.

1) pass my piano grade 3 in sep
2) write well for my report at work in sep
3) teach well by nov
4) go to Cambodia in nov.
5) sign up for GRE and plan which school to apply by dec.
6) finish 42km under 5hr 30mins in dec

6 goals, 6 months.
hoot!

why don't we get along over bottles of beers?

2010-06-21T09:02:00.000-07:00

i just want to say that...

BEER FEST 2010 WAS AWESOME.

so we should all go again next year.

beers make everyone happy and lively...

and that is how we all should live!

instead of nuclear bombs, why not beers?

cheers people cheers.

(p/s: i'm pretty much sober posting this.)

gay

2010-06-13T09:55:00.000-07:00

on my way back from sabah, i wore my "smile if you're gay" shirt.

now, i'm always very particular about that shirt when i wear it because of what it says. i remember screaming at my mum when she picked that shirt out of my closet and said she wanted to wear it.

of course, she didn't read what it says.

anyway, i wore it on the last day of sabah because it's one of those loose shirts that i have to cover my horrible fats. (i'm fat and growing fat...)

so at the checkpoint where your bags get scanned, this guard upon seeing my shirt went, "smile if you're gay. i'm not going to smile. i'm not gay."

i didn't really know how to feel or react.

ok, that's bedtime story for you.

good night.

being away

2010-06-11T22:09:00.000-07:00

being away has this ability to stop time for a bit and you forgot about stuffs that you were busy with for the moment in time.

and then sometimes, I hope after being away for awhile, all dysfunctions will function again. so I won't have to think too much about it.

it's good. it's good.

2010-06-08T07:28:00.001-07:00

i had this huge urge to write when i touched down today.

to write about my travels.

to write about my goals.

to write about the things that i need to do.

urgently.

before the pace of this society catches me again with no room for breathing.

2010-06-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

i just want to say that i need to manage my time better.

since it is june already, i need to re-evaluate my goals for the next half of the year.

i started 2010 with activities packed all the way till june and i realised all that activities are coming to end.

so yes, i need to set goals for the next half of the year.

hoot.

2010-05-26T09:51:00.000-07:00

sometimes...

i don't know how people can be so self-absorbed.

and they don't see it at all.

they have egos so huge.

it just irks you.

and why there isn't any sense of humility in this person.

it blows my mind to think that such creature still exist.

on another note,

i realised i have an optimistic viewpoint on most people.

like inherently, i'll think that you're a good person (if i don't hear anything evil about you).

or even actually i hear evil about you,

i will still like to believe that there must be a reason...

and give you the benefits of a doubt until you prove me totally, utterly wrong.

so i guess i'm too trusting.

why do i have so much faith and optimism on the human race?

i should bet on my soft toys.

那一年的选择

2010-05-24T08:39:00.001-07:00

22岁那年，我意识到一个人的抉择不完全属于他的.

你做的每一个决定会不知不觉地影响到你周围的每一个人.

那一年，你选择了她而放弃了她.
那一年，你决定和她在一起.
那一年，你选择离开.

被放弃的她失去了信心。
喜欢你的人感到失望。
想念你的人依然想念着你。

2010-05-17T09:28:00.000-07:00

i'm currently obsessed with freddie mercury.

it struck me after watching queen's mv of "bohemian rhapsody", whoever wrote that song is a random genius which is freddie mercury.

and youtube has a lot of stuffs on freddie mercury.

shall write more when i know more.

一颗苹果-五月天

2010-05-12T07:58:00.001-07:00

another reason why I love mayday: they can make their older songs sound better. it isn't the first time they would remix their songs. they did it for 温柔 which is one of my favourite. now I've been listening to this one from their DNA live concert album, on repeat. you should too. :)

经过了漫长的等候
梦想是梦想
我还是一个我
那时间忘记挽留
最美时候
不经意匆匆的放过
曾经想拥抱的彩虹
盛开的花朵
那纯真的笑容
突然有风吹过
那一转眼只剩我

我不懂人世间的那些愁
他为什么要缠著我
到底这会是谁的错
还是我不放手
喔人世间的那些愁
这世界给我的幽默
这是不是要告诉我
潮起终究潮落

总要有人来陪我
咽下苦果
喔再尝一点美梦
要等你先开口
那冬天才会走

有些人经过我身旁
住在我脑中
在我心里钻洞
有些人变成相片
堆在角落灰尘
像雪一般冰冻

时间如果可以倒流
我想我还是会卯起来蹉跎
反正就这样吧
我知道我努力过

我想到遥远遥远的以后
会不会有人知道我
在这个寂寞的星球
曾这样的活过

喔遥远遥远的以后
天长和地久的尽头
应该没有人能抢
走我永远的感动
总要有一首我的歌
大声唱过喔
再看天地辽阔
活著不多不少
幸福刚好够用
活著其实很好
再吃一颗苹果

2010-05-09T09:41:00.001-07:00

握着吉他，弹着弹着，突然觉得妈妈其实好伟大。

那年，25岁的她，就有了就快要一岁的我。她的青春就送给了我。也不能说什么追求理想，也没说要去读书，我想我改变了她的人生。可能心里即使有这些梦想，也为了我改变，暂时不能实现。

而现在25岁的我，整天都说要革命。而也做了可能她没有机会能做到的事。突然查觉到她的那番话，也可能是她已忘的理想。

it should be time!

2010-05-09T08:50:00.000-07:00

today, my mum said the best thing ever to me for the longest time.

"what is so difficult? just buy a ticket and find a job over there. go! i don't need you to feed this house".

i swear i heard angels singing especially on the part, "I don't need you to feed this house".

(on another note, she also told my brother to learn diving and said it's something good to learn which surprised me cause i thought she is not the diving sort and would have disapproved me of learning diving which really don't matter because i went ahead anyway.)

so, i guess it's really time to think about my exit(study) plan.

the whole week, i've had people telling me to go, really and perhaps it's really time.

no more all talk but actions.

say no to procastination! (quote unquote mrs woo)

释怀的心态

2010-05-08T18:32:00.001-07:00

如果每件事都有它已定的时间，那我想也有释怀的时候。

因为很多事情不能勉强，所以抱着释怀的心态的话，就必定好过一些。比如说，某些事看得很重的话，释怀后就看得比较轻，让一切顺起自然。

但我想释怀不是说要放弃你看重的事情。只是说可能时机未到，或着其实你看不到有更好的事情。

就像这个故事：

有一位小女孩，她拥有一条很美但假的珍珠项链。每天她都带这项链，到处走到处逛。有一天，爸爸对她说如果她把这项链脱下而交给他，会有更好的事等着她。小女孩不信。一心只想着失去她心爱的项链的后果，掉头就走。

隔天，爸爸又再问小女孩。小女孩说不。

后天，爸爸又再问小女孩，她依然说不。

日复一日，小女孩还是说不。

直到有一个晚上，小女孩决定相信爸爸的话，把心爱的项链交给爸爸。可是，爸爸竟然把小女孩心爱的项链给打碎！小女孩看到自己心爱的项链被爸爸打碎，立刻哭闹，厌爸爸把项链打碎，也不应该相信爸爸。爸爸怎样哄她，小女孩依然哭闹。

哭着哭着，小女孩哭到睡着了。爸爸看着心爱的女儿为一条假项链哭闹，摇摇头，觉得女儿好傻。这时，爸爸把一条很美，很亮而是真的珍珠项链放在小女儿的枕头下。

其实，爸爸早有准备。

我们对某些事的执着，就像小女孩爱着她的假项链。释怀，我想就像小女孩把心爱的假项链给了爸爸。也像小女孩的我们，看不到更美好的事。因为看不到爸爸早有准备。

释怀一下吧！

(然后，耐心地等)

:)

there is a season for everything

2010-05-05T10:22:00.001-07:00

there is a season for everything: for you, for me and for everyone else.

so, remember there is a season for everyone.

so little time, so much to do.
I need a good long run. seriously, I have NO idea how I'm going to finish another 42km this time.

today, I have renewed passion to go and study again. I realised I really need a windfall to study at the place I would like to go.

now, it's not up to me. i'll just hope and pray that things will happen.

on another note, 14 year old me used to grumbled about how we have 10,001 things to do and i hoped that I could just focus on one thing only.

25 year old me now have 10,001 things to do and I wish I can do all of them at the same time.

don't you too?

2010-05-03T08:21:00.000-07:00

she brings much peace and order in the midst of chaos.

i know i can't have her to be here forever but life will not be the same without her.

come back soon...

what happens when she leaves.

2010-05-02T07:01:00.000-07:00

A: "what happens when she leaves?"

B: "cry loh."

A: "you will cry?"

B: "figuratively."

因为改变需要勇气和时间

2010-04-29T00:14:00.000-07:00

change is not always easy.
a lot of times, it takes courage.
I don't have the courage to change yet.
maybe because it isn't as simple as it is.
maybe because I'm still waiting for the time to change.

it's times like these I feel like I'm told to wait.

bear with me.

scream - 张悬

2010-04-28T08:49:00.003-07:00

也不是真的不要关心
也不是真的不曾介意
可偏我也不是真的拒绝这一切
只留下自己
也不是全都不理不听
也不是真的无从继续
可每一次我的试着坚强
都成了不得已的哭泣

i'm screaming, i'm losing all of it
i'm trying to be mature someday
but till now it's still in vain
i'm bearing. i'm losing all of it
i'm trying to go on this path
but you said i haven't get the jests

也不是真的不要关心
也不是真的想尽办法任性
而你懂不懂我懂不懂
其实我心底都珍惜
也不是全都不理不听
也不是硬要颠反事理
可每一次我的试着靠近
都成了你看见的抗议

i'm screaming. i'm losing all of it
i'm trying to be perfect someday
but till now it's still in vain
i'm bearing; i'm losing all of it
i'm trying to be understood
but you said i haven't had seen it yet

i'm screaming, i'm losing all of it
i'm trying to be understood
but you said i haven't see the points
i'm losing all of it
i'm trying to be understood
but you said i haven't see the points

i'll try it out i'll try it out
i'm trying out sometime
i'll try it out someday

i think sleeping and studying should be the answers to my questions.

误打误撞

2010-04-27T23:07:00.000-07:00

昨天，我误打误撞地发现了某人的主题曲和她的小插曲.

it made my night really interesting.
interesting is an understatement actually.
I'll blog about it another time.

现在，应该用功勤奋地工作.

I shall improve my mandarin writing by tweeting in mandarin more often!

:D

生活与生存

2010-04-21T10:08:00.000-07:00

what are you living for?

ever since saturday's mayday concert, the lyrics of this song seems to be a reminder of my dreams that may have turn into bubbles with the mundane expectations of life, that i might have stopped dreaming.

连刷牙也照着节奏
冲了马桶洗了脸上的疲惫泡沫
没有梦昨夜没有梦
镜子里的陌生人已经不再做梦
上课钟变成打卡钟
单行道般的人生流失在车阵中
进行曲规律的平庸
活的像是一句标语压韵而服从
午餐是随便还是都好还是
跟你一样的任何一种
奇怪呢很久以前
我是很有想法主见心跳很执着
伤心再也不吹风现在只害怕伤风
耽误了谁和谁的要求

一天一天看日升日落
看月圆月缺年复一年的经过
看谁把我变成现在的我
怕潮起潮落
怕患得患失错了又错的疼痛
终于我的生命只剩生存
活着只会呼吸吃饭喝水的生活

小时候只要看天空
枕着白云就觉得全世界都拥有
长大了拥有的更多
为何感觉到越来越匮乏越贫穷
那一年只追逐自由
现在只能追逐着涨不停的石油
是不是地壳又震动
要从家里震落才悔恨这样生活
生活的反面会是死去还是
这般生存不再有冲动
闭上眼就能感觉
生命正在一分一秒飞奔远离我
还不如一只昆虫至少能破茧展翅
飞像那被夺走的天空

一天一天看日升日落
看月圆月缺年复一年的经过
看谁把我变成现在的我
怕潮起潮落怕患得患失
错了又错的疼痛终于我的生命只剩生存
活着只会呼吸吃饭喝水的生活

一年有三百六十五个日子
五十二万五千多分钟
一生有三十四亿五千六百
七十八万九千下脉搏
为爱而生之后生命要怎么挥霍
直到我化成烟的时候

一天一天看日升日落
看月圆月缺年复一年的经过
看谁把我变成现在的我
怕潮起潮落怕患得患失
错了又错的疼痛
终于我的生命只剩生存
活着只会呼吸吃饭喝水

一天一天看日升日落
看月圆月缺年复一年的经过
曾经我也那么独一无二
怕潮起潮落怕患得患失
错了又错的疼痛
终于我的生命只剩生存
活着只会呼吸吃饭喝水的生活

连刷牙也照着节奏
然后设定了明天六点半的闹钟

time for bed.

alarm at 6,

and i bid you goodbye.

2010-04-21T10:01:00.000-07:00

我想多少的准备也可能都不够...

但天下没有不散的宴席.

而我知道那真爱不一定能白头到老
而我知道有一天你可能就这么走掉
而我知道我知道这一切我全都知道
我就是受不了

而我知道我们曾天真的一起哭和笑
而我知道放开手但不知道怎么忘掉
而我知道你走了以后的每一分一秒
却还是这么难熬

（而我知道－五月天）

family much?

2010-04-18T09:46:00.000-07:00

four humans sharing the same confined space but each in their own different reality.

they keep silent and not utter a word to start the war.

而你我都知道

2010-04-17T21:32:00.001-07:00

其实很多时候，我们知道的，并不代表我们回去做。

而就这样伤害了自己，也伤害了别人。

就因为人是犯贱的。

后来，她才发现当初她为何没有理由地离开。

大世界和小世界的人

2010-04-16T22:19:00.001-07:00

这是大世界的人和小世界的人的故事。

1）大世界的她有很多朋友。小世界的她，朋友几个就够了。有一天，大世界的她认识了小世界的她。从那天起，大世界的她就进入了她的小世界。但是某一天，大世界的她做了某些事，说了某些话让小世界的她觉得她已不再她的大世界。所以，小世界的她离开了她的大世界，继续活在她的小世界。

2）虽然她有很多朋友，大世界的她很想进入她的小世界。大世界的她知道在她的小世界里她好像只是个旁观者。但也不了解为什么她自己好想进入她的小世界。

很多时侯，我们世界的大小其实是由一个人来决定-看他对你有多重要。

prove me wrong and take me seriously

2010-04-14T02:04:00.001-07:00

i am secretly hoping, just maybe, you might prove me wrong, that you are not like the others.

today is the kind of day I wish people could take me more seriously.

cross the line

2010-04-06T07:49:00.001-07:00

and she asked why don't you ask what is going on.

and you don't because you do not want the truth to be right in your face and you cannot deny it. deep down, you really want to give him the benefit of the doubt where you want to believe that he did something right. that they are not speaking because of the same old reason.

even deeper, you do not want to deal any emotional crap that they carry because you think that they should be old enough to know how to get out of it and you really do not want to be in it.

so you would not ask and hope things will get better. yet the silence kills, little by little without you realising.

the other day over lunch, we noticed this man who looked really bored with his family. he was not looking at his wife, not at his two sons but over at our table and away like we have something much more exhilarating to offer than his family.

at that moment, both of us told each other we would not want that to happen to us.

she asked her the other day if her marriage life was boring and she candidly replied, "oh no! it's not. if it is boring then it'll be terrible!"

it must be really terrible for that man isn't it?

or maybe terrible is not the appropriate word to describe it either.

today she said, "it is okay to like someone else when you're attached. i mean i believe that you can like two persons at the same time so even if you're in a relationship, it is okay to like someone else. just don't cross the line."

how do you know when you cross the line?

would you even know when you crossed the line?

do you know you matter to me?

2010-04-02T18:12:00.001-07:00

i really just want to say that most of the time, even if i don't say it or don't show it.. you matter to me. like all of you.

so please don't ask me if your presence or actions matter to me or not because it does.

renegade - kings of convenience

2010-03-29T06:41:00.000-07:00

I’m letting go
To see if you hold onto me
I’m in doubt of what is thought and what is real
In our room
Between the shapes I thought I knew
A guillotine…
A pillow of feathers like snow

I’ve come to listening post beyond your lines
I’m all ears to gather clues and look for signs
But I can’t hear the song you sing
While you try to soothe
Why are you whispering while the bombs are falling?
Go easy on me; I can’t help what I’m doing
Go easy on me; you can’t help what I’m doing

Hello again
I buried you, where have you been?
Oh renegade, you came back from the labyrinth
Unlike me: you’ve looked for things that could be found and the thread that guides though black times
Go easy on me; I can’t help what I’m doing
Go easy on me; you can’t help what I’m doing

When thoughts had outnumbered spoken words
In the early hours we failed to establish
Who was hurt, lost.

evenings

2010-03-29T06:08:00.000-07:00

i think i can spent the whole night listening only to kings of convenience and they are so much better live.

i like evenings like this - you come home from work, spaced out a little in front of the TV, have your dinner (hot.) and then work on the things you need to complete before the night ends.

it's simple.

it's good.

simplicity is good for me, for now.

后来－刘若英

2010-03-25T08:46:00.001-07:00

后来我总算学会了如何去爱
可惜你早已远去消失在人海
后来终于在眼泪中明白
有些人一旦错过就不在

桔子花白花瓣落在我蓝色百褶裙上
爱你你轻声说
我低下头闻见一阵芬芳
那个永恒的夜晚十七岁仲夏你吻我的那个夜晚
让我往后的时光每当有感叹
总想起当天的星光

那时候的爱情为什么就能那样简单
而又是为什么人年少时
一定要让深爱的人受伤
在这相似的深夜里你是否一样也在静静追悔感伤
如果当时我们能不那么倔强
现在也不那么遗憾
你都如何回忆我带着笑或是很沉默
这些年来有没有人能让你不寂寞

永远不会再重来
有一个男孩爱着那个女孩

one of those days when i wake up with a song in my head.

i remember when i first heard the song, everyone around was singing it and i never really understood the song.

it's one of those songs that needs time to appreciate.

美好的时光

2010-03-25T07:52:00.000-07:00

it's all about timing.

she said, "you'll learn to love the person from a distance".

me being me, sometimes that is not enough.

it wasn't long ago that we were 17/18.

but those memories seem so distant.

do you still remember how it felt to be 17/18?

those were good times.

soft spot(s)

2010-03-23T21:14:00.001-07:00

I figured I will always be bugged by the mystery of soft spot.

I'm intrigued by the fact that even eons have passed, you will still look at the same person and feel something for this person. Not that you like the person but you just feel this certain attraction to the person.

this is the mystery of soft spot(s). you can't account for this unexplainable feeling.

you, are the mystery of my soft spot. Most of the time, I think I could logically reason to myself and explain why I do feel the way I do, except you.

the third party

2010-03-17T19:46:00.000-07:00

and she said,

"we spent most of our lives hating third parties in our relationships. how could you end up being one?"

seriously, that is the last thing on my mind.

after 8 years

2010-03-14T07:32:00.001-07:00

and finally, they got married.

it was one crazy weekend.

now, good night.

perrier with lemon slice (in singapore for now version)

one of those emo days.

2012

expiry date

乖与不乖

the flight back

the one about sitting alone in a cafe.

nostalgia is comforting

late 20s.

a ripe old age

my anxious thoughts

the end of an era of magic

ideal living

那些过往的笔迹

深呼吸

the parable of the mango tree

因为幸福没那么容易才会特别让人著迷

chaotic times

背着我的她

"you're my beautiful surprise"

e.e cummings is my favourite poet

voyeurism

the much sought after.

bad planning

note.

on being direct.

on texting and romance

conversation with mum #45567

if you rescue me, i'll be your friend forever

and I'm so sick of going to the doctor.

and they knocked me sideways.

htht

隐形眼镜 － 梁文福

perfectly fine alone

guessing games

soulmates

distracted

lessons learnt

zoom.

confession #270

film

因为在别人眼里你也是美丽的风景

my best friend's wedding

two stories, one God.

gibberish

timing and attraction

what are you living for?

no more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

if it wasn't for the ground, i wouldn't be so afraid of falling

open can

he's just not that into you.

别去打扰他的心

do you want to marry me, baby?

live like your days are numbered

这样也好。

25岁的我写给5岁的我。

before I turn 25.

你我之间后来都不重要了.

一个人的体温

mid 2010 reflection

why don't we get along over bottles of beers?

gay

being away

那一年的选择

一颗苹果-五月天

it should be time!

释怀的心态

there is a season for everything

what happens when she leaves.

因为改变需要勇气和时间

scream - 张悬

误打误撞

生活与生存

family much?

而你我都知道

大世界和小世界的人

prove me wrong and take me seriously

cross the line

do you know you matter to me?

renegade - kings of convenience

隐形眼镜－梁文福